This morning I had my specialist appointment and I was nervous as heck! So far the Dr. does not know what the lump in my neck is and wants to try taking antibiotics to see if that changes the size or thickness. He has scheduled another ultrasound for next month to see if anything changes with medication treatment. If nothing has changed he will order a biopsy and further testing. The size of the lump is just under the threshold of a cancer, but he seemed optimistic about it being a benign cyst. So that was good news, but that wasn't the only news we got. Turns out that my thyroid is pretty enlarged as well and that he is concerned about it. I am going to also have an ultrasound on that to see what is going on. Im not out of the woods yet, but I am so glad we have some idea of whats going on and a plan.
This rain in West Texas has been so good! We needed this rain and Jesus flooded our dry city, not only physically, but spiritually.
This past week He has given me restoration and shown me forgiveness in many areas of my life.
This past year I have grown so much and I have had some great people in my walk along the way to faith righteousness.
Two years ago I was a mess. Just an unguided hott mess that needed direction. I was bitter, angry, sad, depressed, ugly and selfish. The hate in my heart was so strong that it was showing up in every area of my life. All of those things consumed my every thought and made a lot of unwise choices. This heart was stone and my walls were high. No one was getting in and I was not going to let anyone see the real me. Who wants to show the ugly raw side of their heart? Not me. I couldn't let them see the mess I was inside. That mask of perfection was always on and the part was always played perfectly. No one wants to feel the shame of others or even worse, shame from themselves.
After a few months of going to church, I sat with our sweet pastors wife pretty much word vomited all over her. That was not something I would normally do, so that was an awkward experience. I cried and just let it all out. After that day I felt something inside me move, but it was only a little taste of something much greater.
Slowly I began to listen to God during service and actually thinking about what he was trying to show me. Along the way I met some great people. They began to pour into me throughout the weeks and I began to see what God had been leading me to. In October last year I made the decision that it was time to go ahead and attend our churches yearly women's retreat.
Now this was a big deal. For 1:I do not do well in big crowds and 2: I sure as heck do not do well with other women. (That's a whole other topic I can't wait to blog about), but something just kept telling me to go, so I registered and as soon as I did that, the panic set in.
I kept thinking I'm not ready to break down my walls and I'm not ready to cry in front of a room of strangers. In my mind I kept trying to talk myself out of going. As it got closer to our weekend away, I began to imagine what it was going to be like. It had been almost 8 years since I had been in an over night camp environment. Why was I so nervous? Why was I acting like this? What was I afraid of? I was afraid of God. I knew my walls would fall and I would have to be vulnerable. I was going to have to let people in. They were going to see me and the mess I was in.
Going to the retreat was one of the best decision I have ever made. I made new friends, learned to worship and broke completely down. It was so good and I even ugly cried. Y'all that never happens. My heart was softened and my walls came crumbling down. I was prayed over by women I didn't even know and it as awesome.
That trip changed my life. I am so thankful for that experience and what followed. It began a movement inside my spirit and it's been a long and sometimes hard road.
I am praying for peace and understanding of what's going on. I ask God for healing and wisdom to the caregivers I will be dealing with during this trial.
The unknown had me thinking about my sweet boy and those sweet little moments of his first days of life. I was feeling crafty so I made a cute shadow box with his things he wore while he was in the NICU.