Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Kick in the butt

Tonight as I lay in bed crying about my infertility, the ever growing desire to adopt and the lack of motivation I have had the past 2 weeks, my awesome husband reminded me how awesome I am. I don't know how lucky I got with this guy. 
I have been struggling with stress and lack of motivation the past few weeks. I really need a kick in the butt and that's just what he gave me. Not what I wanted to hear but he made a good point.  He said "If anyone can do this, babe it's you. You are strong enough to get through anything." Man tears were falling and I felt strength. 
He is right. I can do anything. I have to remember why I decide to go back to school and I have to think of what I can contribute to our birth community. Change people, I bring change. This is my season for the next few years and the more I accept it, the easier it's going to be. 
I need to let go of the things I can not control. I need to let people help me during this season and not put so much pressure and stress on myself. 
Here are a few quotes for all the ladies out there looking for some motivation. 


















Sunday, September 21, 2014

New Beginnings Part 1 & Medical Update

First here is an updated from last weeks post:

This morning I had my specialist appointment and I was nervous as heck! So far the Dr. does not know what the lump in my neck is and wants to try taking antibiotics to see if that changes the size or thickness. He has scheduled another ultrasound for next month to see if anything changes with medication treatment. If nothing has changed he will order a biopsy and further testing. The size of the lump is just under the threshold of a cancer, but he seemed optimistic about it being a benign cyst. So that was good news, but that wasn't the only news we got. Turns out that my thyroid is pretty enlarged as well and that he is concerned about it. I am going to also have an ultrasound on that to see what is going on. Im not out of the woods yet, but I am so glad we have some idea of whats going on and a plan.

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This rain in West Texas has been so good! We needed this rain and Jesus flooded our dry city,  not only physically, but spiritually. 
This past week He has given me restoration and shown me forgiveness in many areas of my life. 

This past year I have grown so much and I have had some great people in my walk along the way to faith righteousness.  
Two years ago I was a mess. Just an unguided hott mess that needed direction. I was bitter, angry, sad, depressed, ugly and selfish. The hate in my heart was so strong that it was showing up in every area of my life. All of those things consumed my every thought and made a lot of unwise choices. This heart was stone and my walls were high. No one was getting in and I was not going to let anyone see the real me. Who wants to show the ugly raw side of their heart? Not me. I couldn't let them see the mess I was inside. That mask of perfection was always on and the part was always played perfectly. No one wants to feel the shame of others or even worse, shame from themselves. 

After a few months of going to church, I sat with our sweet pastors wife pretty much word vomited all over her. That was not something I would normally do, so that was an awkward experience. I cried and just let it all out. After that day I felt something inside me move, but it was only a little taste of something much greater. 

Slowly I began to listen to God during service and actually thinking about what he was trying to show me. Along the way I met some great people. They began to pour into me throughout the weeks and I began to see what God had been leading me to. In October last year I made the decision that it was time to go ahead and attend our churches yearly women's retreat. 

Now this was a big deal. For 1:I do not do well in big crowds and 2: I sure as heck do not do well with other women. (That's a whole other topic I can't wait to blog about), but something just kept telling me to go, so I registered and as soon as I did that, the panic set in. 
I kept thinking I'm not ready to break down my walls and I'm not ready to cry in front of a room of strangers. In my mind I kept trying to talk myself out of going. As it got closer to our weekend away, I began to imagine what it was going to be like. It had been almost 8 years since I had been in an over night camp environment. Why was I so nervous? Why was I acting like this? What was I afraid of? I was afraid of God. I knew my walls would fall and I would have to be vulnerable. I was going to have to let people in. They were going to see me and the mess I was in. 

Going to the retreat was one of the best decision I have ever made. I made new friends, learned to worship and broke completely down. It was so good and I even ugly cried. Y'all that never happens. My heart was softened and my walls came crumbling down. I was prayed over by women I didn't even know and it as awesome.  

That trip changed my life. I am so thankful for that experience and what followed. It began a movement inside my spirit and it's been a long and sometimes hard road.

I am praying for peace and understanding of what's going on. I ask God for healing and wisdom to the caregivers I will be dealing with during this trial. 

The unknown had me thinking about my sweet boy and those sweet little moments of his first days of life. I was feeling crafty so I made a cute shadow box with his things he wore while he was in the NICU. 



Sunday, September 14, 2014

Rain,Rain & More Rain

This week has been a weary one. It has been raining not only in weather, but over me. Rain full of uncertainty, fear, but has ended with faith. Today this rain washes away all my pain and fear and using faith to overcome. 

Back to January for a bit:
I had a lump in my neck, so I made an appointment to see my family practitioner about it. He wasn't too concerned after examining it and suggested we run a full blood work up and watch the lump for the next 6 months. If anything changed, to come back and we will further exam everything. My blood work  came back good so I figured everything was ok. Six months went by and nothing. That was until I found a second lump in the back of my neck. That raised a flag immediatly. 
That day I made an appointment to follow up with my doctor. He too was now concerned about what was going on. He ordered more blood work and an ultrasound. This was the last week of July. 

Fast forward to the second week of September: 
This past week I received a call from my doctors office stating that I needed to make an appointment. When I called them back I was told I need to make an appointment for a CT scan as soon as possible. I knew those words were not going to be a "you know just in case" it was a voice of urgency. My CT was the following morning and I was shaken with fear. I had never had a CT done so I knew not I g of what happens during the scan. The nurse was sweet and talked me through everything. Now I haven't had an IV since Joseph was born 8 years ago and that was what scared me the most. The not remembering what it feels like and the fear of getting stuck more than once was not helping my nerves. The IV was placed and the dye was started. My body felt so weird. The machine was loud and my head was starting to hurt. All things normal according to the nurse. After a long nap and a some essential oils, I felt so much better. That afternoon the office called and wanted to set an appointment up to see an ENT specialist. When I asked why, she said that the scan showed the lumps were in my lymph nodes. So a week from tomorrow we will find out exactly what's going on. It could be cancer it could be something else. Either way, I will probably need further testing and appointments. 

 The next evening at life group I shared what was going on and they all laid hands on me and prayed for me. 
God is so good y'all. He has given me such amazing people to share life with. The path I am on now, is guided by those who love Jesus and pour into each other. 
Faith has given me the strength to overcome the fear of the what ifs and the why's. I delight in The Lord and know he is with me through this trial. 

This week I have been on Pinterest looking for scripture that encourages me and motivates me. I wanted to share a few that I really like. 





Thursday, September 4, 2014

"I Have No Life!"

Do you ever have those days that all you want to do is have a pity party for yourself and publicly post about it on FB? Yeah me neither....

Why the title "I have no life"? Well the past few days I have been down. This summer was great, one of the greatest summers ever actually. So of course when school started and routine made its way back into our day, I put up a good fight. The past 2 weeks have been stressful and exhausting. My school work has doubled and has become ridiculously hard, so my time is consumed by all things school.

In all seriousness, I am having a really hard time this semester. I started back to school last week at Texas Tech. I have overcome so much to get to this point in my academic career. I have worked my tail off the past 2 years and I am excited to be an official Tech student. But with that excitement comes great depression. I miss the days of staying home with Joseph, homeschooling and doing absolutely nothing or doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. Those were the simple days. Now my days are filled with sorority girls in huge t-shirts and skimpy shorts, professors I can not understand, math,math and more math, hot bus rides on campus to my car and long nights doing endless homework.

Yes, I chose to get married at 18 and have my son at 19. I chose to stay home with him and work simple jobs here and there to contribute to our household. Now why did I have to go and start college at 25? Was it because I felt the need to be something in this world or was it to satisfy the constant feeling of failure? To be honest, it was a little of both. I want to make everyone in my life proud. I want to be that daughter that "is now an amazing successful doctor from small town Texas" that everyone looks up to. Who doesn't want to be that person?

In reality, none of that matters. This week I was reminded that the only thing I need to focus on is glorifying God in everything I do.  He does not expect me to satisfy everyone around me. He wants me to honor him.

I know this hard work will pay off eventually, I just need to know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  I have no life outside of school and my boys. I pray that I find a balance between friends, church and my family.




Back when life was easy:








Thursday, July 17, 2014

Summer Lovn'

I have written this post twice now, only to be deleted....
So a quick overview of what's going on in our lives lately and photos:

I was water baptized 
Joseph finished 1st grade
We bought our first home
I delivered my last client as a birth doula
I got in to Texas Tech starting fall 2014
Our house has a slab leak in the kitchen 2weeks after we moved in
We stayed on friends couches a few nights 
We have spent many days swimming
Hanging out with friends is our daily agenda