The Big 9!

Joseph had a great year 8! He started a new school, accepted into the Gifted & Talented program at school, made new friends, lost more teeth, reconnected with his cousins, had a grandma living down the hall, learned how to love reading, had his daddy baptize him, traveled all over the west coast, went to Washington state for the entire summer and became a big brother!

Seriously, this kid had an AMAZING year. How can my tiny 5lb baby boy be turning 9? HOW??

He has grown so much over this past year and we are so proud of him. I believe the two highlights of the past year for me were the day he got baptized by Kyle and the day we told him he was going to be a brother. 

Kick in the butt

Tonight as I lay in bed crying about my infertility, the ever growing desire to adopt and the lack of motivation I have had the past 2 weeks, my awesome husband reminded me how awesome I am. I don't know how lucky I got with this guy. 

I have been struggling with stress and lack of motivation the past few weeks. I really need a kick in the butt and that's just what he gave me. Not what I wanted to hear but he made a good point.  He said "If anyone can do this, babe it's you. You are strong enough to get through anything." Man tears were falling and I felt strength. 

He is right. I can do anything. I have to remember why I decide to go back to school and I have to think of what I can contribute to our birth community. Change people, I bring change. This is my season for the next few years and the more I accept it, the easier it's going to be. 

I need to let go of the things I can not control. I need to let people help me during this season and not put so much pressure and stress on myself. 

Here are a few quotes for all the ladies out there looking for some motivation. 

New Beginnings Part 1 & Medical Update

First here is an updated from last weeks post:

This morning I had my specialist appointment and I was nervous as heck! So far the Dr. does not know what the lump in my neck is and wants to try taking antibiotics to see if that changes the size or thickness. He has scheduled another ultrasound for next month to see if anything changes with medication treatment. If nothing has changed he will order a biopsy and further testing. The size of the lump is just under the threshold of a cancer, but he seemed optimistic about it being a benign cyst. So that was good news, but that wasn't the only news we got. Turns out that my thyroid is pretty enlarged as well and that he is concerned about it. I am going to also have an ultrasound on that to see what is going on. Im not out of the woods yet, but I am so glad we have some idea of whats going on and a plan.

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This rain in West Texas has been so good! We needed this rain and Jesus flooded our dry city,  not only physically, but spiritually. 

This past week He has given me restoration and shown me forgiveness in many areas of my life. 

This past year I have grown so much and I have had some great people in my walk along the way to faith righteousness.  

Two years ago I was a mess. Just an unguided hott mess that needed direction. I was bitter, angry, sad, depressed, ugly and selfish. The hate in my heart was so strong that it was showing up in every area of my life. All of those things consumed my every thought and made a lot of unwise choices. This heart was stone and my walls were high. No one was getting in and I was not going to let anyone see the real me. Who wants to show the ugly raw side of their heart? Not me. I couldn't let them see the mess I was inside. That mask of perfection was always on and the part was always played perfectly. No one wants to feel the shame of others or even worse, shame from themselves. 

After a few months of going to church, I sat with our sweet pastors wife pretty much word vomited all over her. That was not something I would normally do, so that was an awkward experience. I cried and just let it all out. After that day I felt something inside me move, but it was only a little taste of something much greater. 

Slowly I began to listen to God during service and actually thinking about what he was trying to show me. Along the way I met some great people. They began to pour into me throughout the weeks and I began to see what God had been leading me to. In October last year I made the decision that it was time to go ahead and attend our churches yearly women's retreat. 

Now this was a big deal. For 1:I do not do well in big crowds and 2: I sure as heck do not do well with other women. (That's a whole other topic I can't wait to blog about), but something just kept telling me to go, so I registered and as soon as I did that, the panic set in. 

I kept thinking I'm not ready to break down my walls and I'm not ready to cry in front of a room of strangers. In my mind I kept trying to talk myself out of going. As it got closer to our weekend away, I began to imagine what it was going to be like. It had been almost 8 years since I had been in an over night camp environment. Why was I so nervous? Why was I acting like this? What was I afraid of? I was afraid of God. I knew my walls would fall and I would have to be vulnerable. I was going to have to let people in. They were going to see me and the mess I was in. 

Going to the retreat was one of the best decision I have ever made. I made new friends, learned to worship and broke completely down. It was so good and I even ugly cried. Y'all that never happens. My heart was softened and my walls came crumbling down. I was prayed over by women I didn't even know and it as awesome.  

That trip changed my life. I am so thankful for that experience and what followed. It began a movement inside my spirit and it's been a long and sometimes hard road.

I am praying for peace and understanding of what's going on. I ask God for healing and wisdom to the caregivers I will be dealing with during this trial. 

The unknown had me thinking about my sweet boy and those sweet little moments of his first days of life. I was feeling crafty so I made a cute shadow box with his things he wore while he was in the NICU. 

Rain,Rain & More Rain

This week has been a weary one. It has been raining not only in weather, but over me. Rain full of uncertainty, fear, but has ended with faith. Today this rain washes away all my pain and fear and using faith to overcome. 

Back to January for a bit:

I had a lump in my neck, so I made an appointment to see my family practitioner about it. He wasn't too concerned after examining it and suggested we run a full blood work up and watch the lump for the next 6 months. If anything changed, to come back and we will further exam everything. My blood work  came back good so I figured everything was ok. Six months went by and nothing. That was until I found a second lump in the back of my neck. That raised a flag immediatly. 

That day I made an appointment to follow up with my doctor. He too was now concerned about what was going on. He ordered more blood work and an ultrasound. This was the last week of July. 

Fast forward to the second week of September: 

This past week I received a call from my doctors office stating that I needed to make an appointment. When I called them back I was told I need to make an appointment for a CT scan as soon as possible. I knew those words were not going to be a "you know just in case" it was a voice of urgency. My CT was the following morning and I was shaken with fear. I had never had a CT done so I knew not I g of what happens during the scan. The nurse was sweet and talked me through everything. Now I haven't had an IV since Joseph was born 8 years ago and that was what scared me the most. The not remembering what it feels like and the fear of getting stuck more than once was not helping my nerves. The IV was placed and the dye was started. My body felt so weird. The machine was loud and my head was starting to hurt. All things normal according to the nurse. After a long nap and a some essential oils, I felt so much better. That afternoon the office called and wanted to set an appointment up to see an ENT specialist. When I asked why, she said that the scan showed the lumps were in my lymph nodes. So a week from tomorrow we will find out exactly what's going on. It could be cancer it could be something else. Either way, I will probably need further testing and appointments. 

 The next evening at life group I shared what was going on and they all laid hands on me and prayed for me. 

God is so good y'all. He has given me such amazing people to share life with. The path I am on now, is guided by those who love Jesus and pour into each other. 

Faith has given me the strength to overcome the fear of the what ifs and the why's. I delight in The Lord and know he is with me through this trial. 

This week I have been on Pinterest looking for scripture that encourages me and motivates me. I wanted to share a few that I really like.